the light is always there. all we have to do is turn it on and see it shining.

making today a new beginning. after 5 days of emptiness. 5 days of hopelessness. 5 days of mental instability. 5 days of emotional turmoil. 5 days of sinking into the deepest layer of earth i could possibly imagine.

teringat our rules dulu-dulu. orang beriman tak boleh berperasaan negatif lama-lama. maksimum 2 minit. nak marah 2 minit. nak penat 2 minit. nak resah 2 minit. nak bersedih 2 minit. 2 minit sahaja dibenarkan. tapi han dah ambik masa 5 hari. how weak is the imaan?

seketika lupa akan hadirnya Dia dalam kehidupan semua makhlukNya. for a while, lupa, that the Light is always there and all i have to do is turn it on and see it shining. tenggelam dan lemas dalam arus kekecewaan padahal semua ini hanyalah salah satu daripada perancanganNya.

it is very true that calamities make people call upon Allah. so why not? may be what happened is just a reminder. sebab sebagai manusia, selalu han lupa,. like the saying, 'there is room for us in the first row, provided you do your best to be proficient in all that you do'. han selalu fikir, that after all the hardoworks and perseverance, success is a given matter. because it has always been that way for me. but han lupa, kejayaan itu tidak semestinya datang dalam rupa yang han harapkan. and even after we did our very best, sekiranya Dia tidak mengizinkan, maka tidak berlakulah perkara yang kita harapkan.

turning to Allah requires one to look back and reassess his whole being. padahal setiap hari dalam al-ma'thurat menyebut : 'Allahumma anta rabbi laa ilaaha illaa anta khalaqtani wa ana 'abduka wa ana 'ala 'ahdika wa wa'dika mastata'tu. a'udzubika min sharri ma sana' tu. abuu u laka bi ni'matika 'alayya wa abuu u bi dzanbi faghfir li fa innahu laa yaghfirudz dzunuuba illaa anta.'

teringat dulu ariff slalu pesan, always prepare for the worse. skrg baru han faham. prepare for the worst, only then we will feel that things are getting better.

struggling to hold on. to keep my being whole. to keep going on. keeping my best from the frustration. bcs i know, it is my worst enemy for it has the power to destroy the peace of mind. when the mind is loqlaq (cakap org utara), then satu kerja pun tak menjadi. so i have wasted my 5 days. nasib baik izrail tak datang menjemput pada waktu tu.

hmmmm...

i cannot change the past nor i know what is to come. so why should i regret anything or worry?

~ when things become unbearable, when all else fails, turn to Allah.. because there is no other way.

[learning how to co-exist with fear and hoping that it will disappear]